I have always struggled with friends. I can still remember a day when I was a daycare. Yes, daycare. Yes, I DO remember that far back. I remember this because it hurt me so much. It was probably my first day or . . . who knows maybe it was this other kids first day. We were sent to centers to go play and I saw this curly blonde haired girl with huge blue eyes. She looked like someone who might be a princess. (this is the pre-school me talking here) I told her she was beautiful. Maybe it was because she was so different looking than me. Maybe it's because she looked like Kelly (Barbie's little sister).
and I looked more like this...
Yes I did look like a little boy. My mom cut my hair that way because I refused to let her brush it. (this isn't really me)
I don't have any friends that I've known since childhood. I never had that "group" of friends that do everything together. If anything, I dated people who had that group and bounced from group to group. I was never accepted into the group.
When I moved at the end of my sophomore year of high school. I was ready for a change. I needed a change. I needed to reinvent myself. I needed to grow. It may not have been where I was or who I was friends with that led me down the road that created this need but, no one was there to save me from myself. There is this thing that goes along with never truly feeling like you fit in. It is desperation. If you are desperate enough, you'll do anything. My anything made me ashamed of myself. I would go as far as to say it made me hate myself.
My first day at Bishop Carroll was terrifying to say the least. I didn't know anyone really. Unless you counted the girls from the basketball team that I played on and they were younger than me. BC isn't the smallest school either, so it's not like I could just go find them. I wasn't THAT kind of friends with them anyhow.
I knew walking in that I DID NOT FIT IN. It almost felt like it was written across my forehead.
Throughout the year I made some friends. One friend who took me under her wing and has a very special place in my heart. Though we don't talk anymore, I still love her. I still hope only the best for her. It's just that, we grew in two very different ways. It hurts me everyday.
I tried to be friends with one group of friends who shared the same lunch table with me when I was still the "new girl". They all ate really healthy...so I made sure each day my lunch looked as healthy as theirs. All because, I wanted to fit into their group.
I even got invited to a party. Which, went terribly because of a prank. Which made it even more apparent that I DID NOT FIT IN.
I went to college and was roommates with a wonderful girl who is the only person, after my husband that I can call a true friend. Although at the time, I didn't feel like I fit in with her either. I tried many things in college and the biggest thing I did, was try to FIT IN. Which I didn't. I was never myself and it left me depressed. Hugely depressed. I didn't even want to get out of bed.
Why am I writing all of this? Well, right now it's feeling very therapeutic. I've never talked about this before but I'm really writing all of this because now that I'm 23 going on 24 in October (It doesn't sound old but gosh it feels like it) I realize it is OKAY. It is okay that I don't fit in. It has always made things harder for me. It has always made me try harder, usually at something out of my comfort zone.
God made me weird. God made me unique. God made me special. (A guy friend once gave me a keychain in high school that said "I'm not weird, I'm special" It's taken me till now to realize, that's true) There is only one me. There will never be another person just like me. I have been learning how to love myself for who I am and not who everyone else wants me to be. To tell you the truth, I like me a lot better than who I was when I was trying to fit in all the time.
Even now, I don't have that group of friends. Do I still desire that? Yep. Sure, do. Will I ever find one? I don't know. I'm not searching. I'm happy in my own little world for now. I have my faith, family, and a few good friends who accept me for who I am and loved me, before I knew how to.