I have always struggled with friends. I can still remember a day when I was a daycare. Yes, daycare. Yes, I DO remember that far back. I remember this because it hurt me so much. It was probably my first day or . . . who knows maybe it was this other kids first day. We were sent to centers to go play and I saw this curly blonde haired girl with huge blue eyes. She looked like someone who might be a princess. (this is the pre-school me talking here) I told her she was beautiful. Maybe it was because she was so different looking than me. Maybe it's because she looked like Kelly (Barbie's little sister).
and I looked more like this...
Yes I did look like a little boy. My mom cut my hair that way because I refused to let her brush it. (this isn't really me)I don't have any friends that I've known since childhood. I never had that "group" of friends that do everything together. If anything, I dated people who had that group and bounced from group to group. I was never accepted into the group.
When I moved at the end of my sophomore year of high school. I was ready for a change. I needed a change. I needed to reinvent myself. I needed to grow. It may not have been where I was or who I was friends with that led me down the road that created this need but, no one was there to save me from myself. There is this thing that goes along with never truly feeling like you fit in. It is desperation. If you are desperate enough, you'll do anything. My anything made me ashamed of myself. I would go as far as to say it made me hate myself.
My first day at Bishop Carroll was terrifying to say the least. I didn't know anyone really. Unless you counted the girls from the basketball team that I played on and they were younger than me. BC isn't the smallest school either, so it's not like I could just go find them. I wasn't THAT kind of friends with them anyhow.
I knew walking in that I DID NOT FIT IN. It almost felt like it was written across my forehead.
Throughout the year I made some friends. One friend who took me under her wing and has a very special place in my heart. Though we don't talk anymore, I still love her. I still hope only the best for her. It's just that, we grew in two very different ways. It hurts me everyday.
I tried to be friends with one group of friends who shared the same lunch table with me when I was still the "new girl". They all ate really healthy...so I made sure each day my lunch looked as healthy as theirs. All because, I wanted to fit into their group.
I even got invited to a party. Which, went terribly because of a prank. Which made it even more apparent that I DID NOT FIT IN.
I went to college and was roommates with a wonderful girl who is the only person, after my husband that I can call a true friend. Although at the time, I didn't feel like I fit in with her either. I tried many things in college and the biggest thing I did, was try to FIT IN. Which I didn't. I was never myself and it left me depressed. Hugely depressed. I didn't even want to get out of bed.
Why am I writing all of this? Well, right now it's feeling very therapeutic. I've never talked about this before but I'm really writing all of this because now that I'm 23 going on 24 in October (It doesn't sound old but gosh it feels like it) I realize it is OKAY. It is okay that I don't fit in. It has always made things harder for me. It has always made me try harder, usually at something out of my comfort zone.
God made me weird. God made me unique. God made me special. (A guy friend once gave me a keychain in high school that said "I'm not weird, I'm special" It's taken me till now to realize, that's true) There is only one me. There will never be another person just like me. I have been learning how to love myself for who I am and not who everyone else wants me to be. To tell you the truth, I like me a lot better than who I was when I was trying to fit in all the time.
Even now, I don't have that group of friends. Do I still desire that? Yep. Sure, do. Will I ever find one? I don't know. I'm not searching. I'm happy in my own little world for now. I have my faith, family, and a few good friends who accept me for who I am and loved me, before I knew how to.
What a great way to look at it! I think sometimes it's better NOT to fit in! Often, I find "fitting in" forces you to lower your standards/become someone you're not. Way to be so strong!
ReplyDeleteThanks Erin! You're right, every time I have tried to fit in I have had to lower my standards. Thanks for your encouragement. The Lord knows I need it some days!
DeleteGoodness, I remember the days of high school forensics... I felt so special because u accepted me and were a friend to me when I felt all alone in the world
ReplyDeleteHonestly, several conversations in the past year have made me realize that the people I see as part of the 'in group' often feel like outsiders too (or have to go to extremes to stay popular)
Just wanted to respond because you were so good to me through high school =)
Oh dear, :) I'm so glad you felt special because of our friendship. Forensics was my..."me" time. I could just relax, be me, and let go. Thank you for commenting!! :) I hope every thing is going well for you. You are such a beautiful and amazing girl!
DeleteGirl, I feel you every step of the way. I'm pretty much the same way these days. Thanks for saying something :) You'll be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sarah, You'll be in mine too!
Delete:) I remember "the pretty girls" never really let me be a part. And in middle school and even high school I was pretty much the outcast or the weirdo. But I was determined to have friends, so I made my own group, oh what a mixed up bunch we were, and oh how much fun we had!
ReplyDeleteWe would walk into our church youth group and would often get odd looks from the "ones who had it all together" and we didn't care. We were ourselves, which was a little crazy and it was just fine by us. Sadly I have lost touch with half of them, but thank goodness for Facebook and the other half that are on there.
Oh, and to give you an idea of our craziness, we called ourselves "The Loony Bin Sisters"!
In middle school and freshmen and sophomore year I was always in the outer skirts of the "sports crowd", though, not really friends with any of them. I loved my youth group kids but wasn't really apart of them either. I'm so glad that you found people who accepted you for you. haha I love the name. It's so clever!
DeleteMy impression is that no one every really feels like they "fit in" completely. Another effect of that "God-shaped hole."
ReplyDeleteYou grew up pretty cute for a little boy!
P.S. Do you have to prove you're not a robot every time you comment on mine?
Yes, do you have to on mine?? It's annoying isn't it?? I'll have to post a real picture. It's really close to that!!
ReplyDeleteI've always felt the same way too Emily!!
ReplyDelete