Thursday, July 25, 2013

What If?

For the longest time I was haunted by the question...What if?

Now you may not know this but, I am a worrier. I constantly worry. I worry if I left the oven on. If one eye brow is tweezed funny while the other one looks normal. I worry about my family. I worry about my friends. I worry about if my husband is eating enough. I worry that I don't cut my nails near as often as I should or my son's nails for that matter. I could go on for hours about the things that I worry about in my head. The point is that I worry.

I spent a lot of time with my grandmother growing up. My dad says I must have gotten the "worry gene" from her. I do believe some of her worries rubbed off on me like kids being around water. I worry they could slip and crack their head open, they could hit their head and drown, they could ...etc. etc. etc.  (Said in the voice of the King from "The King and I")

As I've grown up I worried about boys. I worried about friends. I've worried about grades. I've worried about boys. I've worried about money. I've worried about jobs. I've worried about boys. Did I mention I worried about boys...A LOT? I did. It's true. I think it's why God gave me a son first. He knew I had lots of practice already worrying about them. (I was a silly silly girl)

I think that I also held onto a lot of things. By things I mean feelings. I held on to anger, bitterness, jealousy, and hurt. I held onto resentment. Why? I have a friend who would tell you I'm terrible at forgiveness. I've even been given a self help book on forgiveness before. So, I'm sure you get the picture. I am a "bottle it upper." I don't "let go". I'm even worse at forgiving myself for things.

There comes a moment in your life when everything is put into perspective. A growing up moment. A time when you realize every little thing that you've been holding on to is really holding you down. It's like you're in a beautiful big hot air balloon and it's ready to take off into the sunset but it's not moving. You look down and see all the feelings and people that are holding it down and you are holding the rope to them. One by one you have to let the feelings and people go. You have to. Really...LET GO!

This goes along with facing fears. I faced one of my biggest fears this year. I won't share what it was because it is intricate but, it was a huge fear. I faced it and although I sweated. A LOT. I faced it head on. I worried the whole time (that is really just me) but at the end of the day I felt 100 times better. I didn't let the what if's get the better of me. I didn't let the what if's tell me I'd be better off doing/saying/thinking something else. Sometimes our greatest enemy is ourselves.

The what if's of my life no longer control me. I have to battle them occasionally but they do not get to control what I feel. They don't get to be held on to anymore. I decided to let go and my big hot air balloon is taking me on an adventure that I never expected.

Although, I am afraid of heights so it isn't taking me far. Possibly only to the closest place that serves cheesecake and wine.

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